Long COVID impacts relationships.
When my husband and I had our first child, our relationship strained. The new stressor highlighted all the dysfunctional parts of our relationship that we had been ignoring. It was like we had been using bandaids to stop leaks in a dam, and after kids the dam broke.
We’re still together and stronger than ever, because we ultimately paid attention to the leaks. Not only that, we rebuilt the dam and made sure it was structurally sound.
That rebuilding doesn’t happen in all relationships. With stressors like child-rearing or chronic illness, dams break, partly because the new limitations require us to change our behaviors. The other party can’t always accommodate the changes.
I have important people in my life who feel that, because my behaviors changed, I have abandoned them. I could no longer show up for them in the ways I had. I have felt betrayed by their inability to show up for me in ways I now need. We expect different things from one another, we need different things from one another, and we have misunderstood one another.
I expected a return on my social investment. Over years, I deposited funds in the form of presence – I’ve shown up in times of need; in the form of patience – listening to worries and giving advice; in advocacy – protecting them in literal emergencies; and in time, over years, through hardships and celebrations. They have also deposited funds, but the main problem with this metaphorical bank account is that we never calibrated the worth of any of these actions. Our definitions (of love? of service?) are different, and we each think the other is indebted.
Some of my most important relationships have flourished while my health has declined, and I am beyond grateful. Others are tanking, and perhaps meeting their end. I am beyond heartbroken.
These terminal relationships don’t have a single cause, and I am at fault as much as anyone. I wish I was a better person, less sensitive, more patient, kinder. I wish I was more diplomatic and could find the right words to say at the right time. I wish I didn’t get hooked into a fight for the same reason I got hooked in last time. These are leaks I haven’t fixed.
Some of my relationships are solid. Some have weak spots that I can work to fix. A few very important relationships are crumbling, because none of us are equipped to recognize or repair the damages. They may not have crumbled had I remained healthy, and that is yet another cause of grief and loss long COVID has handed me.
With long COVID, we face troubling realities and an uncertain future. It’s as important to be honest as it is to remain hopeful and optimistic. So I’m going to realistically say that some of my relationships are potentially unsalvageable, while optimistically saying that things can change and it’s not over until it’s over. The second part is realistic and honest, too.
For now, I’m giving us all time and space. I’m grieving but trying not to let the grief paralyze me. I have practice, because so much of long COVID is being simultaneously sad and motivated; I’m definitely doing that today.
Sending you lots of compassion and optimism, as always….Zeest